So there comes a point in every persons life where you may stuggle. That 'phase' that we all must have. Perhaps some kind of 'right of passage' a 'test' of our strength. Well for me, now, this is it.
There had been a number of stressors in my life which built up more and more and gradually I was becoming less able to cope with them. In December 2013 I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. Overcoming this was (and still is)the biggest challenge in my life so far. I decided to write this blog as kind of a way of reflecting, looking at my progress so far, helping others and especially myself understand this disorder and also to share with you what I have learned from this little dip in the hilly road trip of recovery!
There had been a number of stressors in my life which built up more and more and gradually I was becoming less able to cope with them. In December 2013 I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. Overcoming this was (and still is)the biggest challenge in my life so far. I decided to write this blog as kind of a way of reflecting, looking at my progress so far, helping others and especially myself understand this disorder and also to share with you what I have learned from this little dip in the hilly road trip of recovery!
Let's get going
After diagnosis (and a slow NHS referral service) we eventually agreed to hand over my food choices, portions and plan to my parents (similar to a Maudsley approach) something which, as someone who had become extremely controlling about my own food intake, was a very difficult task, but I knew that it was the right thing to do. Food control was gradually taking over my life, consuming my time and thoughts. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't eating 'too much' and using the 'My fitness pal' app became a bit of an obsession, ensuring that I wouldn't go over 2000 calories per day. I always denied that I was eating too little because 2000 a day is a recommended guideline right? But I now realise that my estimation of calories in the food I was eating was becoming grossly underestimated. That, plus the sporty lifestyle I had resulted in rapid weight loss. As as the stressors increased, so did the control. Plus I never didn't eat, skipping meals was not my thing and I was adamant for some time that there was no problem whatsoever. I had everything under control.
The beginning of recovery is all a bit of a blur, at 47ish kg my brain was not functioning. Nonetheless we began a meal plan with a portion based structure. Looking back now I can see how small the portions started at, it's ridiculous how tiny they are yet I remember all the breakdowns and crying sessions I had when presented with the 'HEAPS' of food on my plate. The thing is though, a part of me knew that what I was eating was still not much (not enough to gain anyway), and so I felt I was 'coping well' at the beginning (especially in comparison to my sister) and a week in, at my second weigh in I had lost another kg putting me at my lowest weight. 'Recovery' really began to get harder as my meal plan was upped, I couldn't 'earn' the amount of food I was eating through exercise and activity and this was mentally a very difficult aspect to deal with... I began to gain and it felt so out of control, EVERYTHING felt out of control, so finding new ways to control my food (like hiding food) as well as exercising began to slip into a habitual routine. Despite this, I was so sure that the weight would still pile on at a rapid ratet, however these habits would play a huge part in a painstakingly slow recovery that was to completely drain everyone.
If I was to go back and tell pre-recovery me anything, it would be that weight gain is SLOW and the longer you drag it out, the more you miss out on. I am currently still on a meal plan and if i'd conformed with the original one then I perhaps could have had a LOT more freedoms by now. WHY did I feel it necessary to delay my own health? I had not yet fully committed.
The beginning of recovery is all a bit of a blur, at 47ish kg my brain was not functioning. Nonetheless we began a meal plan with a portion based structure. Looking back now I can see how small the portions started at, it's ridiculous how tiny they are yet I remember all the breakdowns and crying sessions I had when presented with the 'HEAPS' of food on my plate. The thing is though, a part of me knew that what I was eating was still not much (not enough to gain anyway), and so I felt I was 'coping well' at the beginning (especially in comparison to my sister) and a week in, at my second weigh in I had lost another kg putting me at my lowest weight. 'Recovery' really began to get harder as my meal plan was upped, I couldn't 'earn' the amount of food I was eating through exercise and activity and this was mentally a very difficult aspect to deal with... I began to gain and it felt so out of control, EVERYTHING felt out of control, so finding new ways to control my food (like hiding food) as well as exercising began to slip into a habitual routine. Despite this, I was so sure that the weight would still pile on at a rapid ratet, however these habits would play a huge part in a painstakingly slow recovery that was to completely drain everyone.
If I was to go back and tell pre-recovery me anything, it would be that weight gain is SLOW and the longer you drag it out, the more you miss out on. I am currently still on a meal plan and if i'd conformed with the original one then I perhaps could have had a LOT more freedoms by now. WHY did I feel it necessary to delay my own health? I had not yet fully committed.