This page is dedicated to my very quirky, dis-functional yet AMAZING family! Although my disorder was 'my disorder', the colossal impact that it had on the whole family was one which I feel a great deal of guilt about and I quite simply don't know how i will ever repay them all for just putting up with me let alone helping me through! Hopefully on here i can keep updates of all the #familydramas that occur and maybe some examples of different memories and situations that have been family orientated and really shaped what we are and how we have changed and evolved over time! (excuse any cheeeeesiness;) Having such a big family means a LOT of dynamic personalities that do not always work together well and communication and compromise were skills that we to be tested to the MAX! However I could not imagine enjoying being an only child, I mean, who would be there for me to squabble, chill and have top banter with? As much as it is tough, I think my siblings are actually my best friends and may actually be part of the reason I've never felt particularly close to any friends at school- i never felt i needed them! So yeah basically WELCOME TO MY CRAZY FAMILY! I shall introduce them ALL and what role they have played in not only my recovery, but my life!
Daddy.
Family Christmas eve meal 2013.
Yes, I do call my dad 'daddy' but i have done since forever so why would I change it now hey? (even if i do sound like a 'daddy's little girl' with my slightly southern British accent ;) My dad is someone who's outer size truly represents his endless amount of knowledge and life experience! And it's only recently that I have really started to recognize this?! He was born in South Africa,was the second youngest of many siblings and moved house/schools like 14 times throughout his childhood so it's no wonder he loves to travel! When he was 17 he moved to the uk with his younger brother and he began to work in IT (which is VERY useful when we have computer problems ;) He then went on to start his own business! Then he met my mum... blah blah blah wedding,kids, you get the picture! I used to get along with my dad when i was younger but as him and my mum began to have issues and separated for a while i began to resent him and ignore him for a good year, this is something i deeply regret. He moved back in June 2013, which my mum believed may have caused stress and triggered my disorder but the thing with anorexia is that it's not about blame and there is never one cause, but the most important thing is that instead of dwelling on causation, we gotta just get it sorted. In terms of recovery, my Dad began to really take on the responsibility of meal plans n tings.,,At my first doctors appointment (after diagnosis) I actually said that i didn't want him doing my meals as i've always felt he has tried to overfeed me but i was soon to realise that he would be the most consistent and understanding person for the job! I think what really helped was that my dad used to smoke and he said that giving up was one of the hardest things he has ever done and people often say that eating disorders are a type of addiction so i guess you could say in that way he could relate! My dad really does have a passion for food and is the head chef in our house!So basically this is the man, the myth, the legend and in fact the HERO of my recovery and CEO of all the PORRIDGY CREATIONS (with much brainstorming of flavours between him, myself and my sister) He has acted as my nutritionist, my life coach, my therapist, my dad and most importantly my friend who knows exactly what to say when i'm all in a tizzy! Recovery has brought us SO much closer and i hope that i can truly do him proud :') Love you Daddy!
Mummy
Me + my mum Summer 2013
They say that genetics may play a role in the causation of eating disorders, and as my mum suffered from anorexia as a teenager i think that perhaps there may be a chance that this is true! I think this is something that makes mine and my sisters problem very difficult for my mum to deal with as i guess she can relate! But anyway enough with the psychological mumbo jumbo (just been revising for my psychology exam sorry) Let's focus on some positives! She was born in Cumbria on a farm in the middle of that good old country side with only one sister! The house she was in was seriously old and creep and i just love hearing the scary ghost stories which i genuinely believe are true! At the age of 17 her mum passed away from cancer and so my mum did not perform her best at her alevels but trained to be a nurse and then specialised as a midwife. She moved around from Bradford to Hackney (London) delivering babies like there was no tomorrow! Unfortunately she had to stop work as my dads job became more time consuming and she had her own babies to take care of! Anyway as a woman who simply couldn't stand not keeping busy and working she trained up as a gymnastics and diving coach and now is the head coach of a thriving gymnastics club! (which i also coach at) My mum has ALWAYS been so into sport, from a young age she has always encouraged all of her children to take up so many sports, and extra curricular activities and I think this is something that has truly shaped who i am today in terms of a drive to really stick at things and keep myself active and sporty! What I really admire about my mother is how when she had an eating disorder, she did not receive any help for it, she simply had the self motivation to be able to get herself better! Something which i cannot even FATHOM myself being able to do! I also love her fashion sense (it's 100x better than mine and I hope I dress as cool as her when i grow up) She can also be such a great laugh, we joke about the most random things! What i do find sad though is that i think during recovery, as she finds it hard to deal with two of her daughters suffering from something she could relate to, i kind of feel like we're not so close and because i'm not allowed to exercise and continue with all my sports, i feel like i'm letting her down. But I know that deep down she hasn't given up on me and It must be just a tricky thing for her to deal with.
Ceej.
Cara-Jane, Ceej, CJ, ceej-inator, ceej-a-saurus... Whatever you call her she is the oldest child at 21 years old (two and a half years older than me) and has always been my best friend. Yeah yeah i know it's cheesy but I who doesn't love a bit of cheese on toast hey? This picture is of her and I when we went on our crazy holiday together without our parents in summer 2012! It was so AMAZING to felt so independent and we had just such a chill time. It's hard now looking back at these photos because it feels as if i was a different person then, I almost felt older than her as i was so confident and able to make decisions and take charge and be responsible and independent without losing myself to anxiety or worries about food and timings, which is something this disorder has changed about me. I think this is why Ceej is such a recovery motivator, because she reminds me of how i used to be and she is an inspiration as to what i could be with her 'THINK BIG' attitude! Through recovery It's finally like she has become the older one and someone that i genuinely do look up to so much! In January 2013, she decided to go travelling for 8 months! Such an amazing experience for her! I was super jealous (as i was stuck at school) and it would be the longest time I'd been without her right there for me EVER! So when she left I effectively became the oldest child and i felt a load of responsibility from myself and my parents. It was throughout those 8 months, of school stress (AS levels) that i think my disorder began to creep up and I believe an aspect of not having her there to talk to, and to have as a direct role model might have had an impact. It's funny how if you see something regularly it's harder to notice a change, and so when CJ met us out on holiday after her travels, summer 2013 to rejoin the famalam and get ready to start uni, she had a fresh perspective and, although my weight loss was not massive, she did notice the ED behaviors had begun to take over both me and my younger sister Gabi. But with me being completely in denial about it all, there is really not much even the closest of friends can do. When my a2s began and the stresses of school, work, gymnastics, dancing and family life began to welcome their way into my life, the kg began to drop and each weekend Cj came back from uni she would notice the more hollowed cheeks and angular elbow joints it would be pointed out by her in a concerned way but as any sufferer from anorexia will tell you, you are never 'sick enough' to start getting better. Ceej has recently told me that she began losing sleep over mine and my sisters health and I feel just awful for that but at the time I was so consumed mentally that I really didn't understand the seriousness of the situation. I would say that out of every family member, ceej is the one i can always GUARANTEE to motivate me to recover. She is the little angel on my shoulder helping me choose right from wrong and counter acting the 'ana' devil on the other and I know that although she doesn't understand the disorder a lot of the time, she understands ME and when you're feeling lost and distanced from everything, that is exactly what you require of someone to get you back on snack ;) and pull you into positivity! I can't wait until we start our crazy bucket list of travel plans, business plans and life plans including our beach house apartment/Californian vineyard adventures :') Ceej. I love ya!
Gabi. (Or Gabriella as her birth certificate states) arrived four years after myself creating the largest age gap between siblings. I don't remember being particularly phased by her arrival, it just meant another person to join in our games however the constant joining in began to annoy me as being the older sister to her meant there was a responsibility to be a rolemodel, which I really didn't like! especially as I just don't think I'm a very good one! Being the middle child must have been hard for Gabs as she would try to fit in with me and my older sister but would often be dismissed and sent to play with my younger brother and sister. So although she had great choice as to how mature she wanted to act, it made her feel a bit left out and I suspect this may have been the reason behind her DFS (dead fly syndrome) style tantrums (yes our family creates its own acronyms) but despite this she is the quietest and most introverted of the whole family. I think due to the age gap, Gabi and I would always be squabbling and did not particularly see eye-to-eye most of the time, but as we got older we began to get along much better however we never really spent that much time together, we were both too busy. Now Gabi has always been the most petite in the whole family and as she grew she had a very slim elegant figure, but as pressures began to build up in her life she too developed anorexia at around the same time as me. This was to put an ultimate strain on not just our relationship, but the entire families. In some ways it's helpful that we have each other to understand what it's like and to share thoughts and feelings (and mostly just gossip about food) but it is really really hard for us to not be 'triggered' by the other. It making ignoring those darn faulty cognitions even harder as you can see the behaviors in one another and we constantly use each other as an excuse to act on our thoughts. My poor family must be absolutely exhausted with the two of us. I hope that once we are over this little 'issue' there will be no resentment! Although the squabbling may still be there, i know that is just natural for siblings and it's the positives of our relationship moving forwards that we should focus on! Love you really Gabba!
Solomon My little lolly pop and the only boy in the sibling group! No wonder he gets stressy when we try to get him to wear pink! But only having my dad and dogs to 'be a guy' with must be tough! He is two school years younger than Gabi but is pretty tall (following the family patterns) and so they used to be mistaken for twins. I remember when my mum was expecting a baby, I was wishing for a girl and Ceej was wishing for a boy. We got a boy (sol) and ironically Ceej probably gets on with him the least. It's not that they don't get on, but they just annoy each other the most;) He is possibly the most intelligent of all us siblings (which is a fact he well knows, and constantly reminds us of) and this meant he was a quirky little child. Most five year olds want a bouncy castle party or a football party...not Sol, nope he wanted a 'gas' party. yep you read that correctly, GAS. He had heard/read somewhere about the wonders of Butane, Pentane, Ethane, Methane ect, and decided that it would be a great theme for a birthday celebration. Unfortunately we were not able to hire enough cylinders of the stuff ;) and so he settled for a space party instead. (which FYI was AMAZING) He is a bit of a mummy's boy at times and really doesn't deal well with stress and so with the whole anorexia thing he would just sit on minecraft and let it all go over his head, only making the occasional 'lard' joke, or comment about how he wishes he was allowed to eat as much chocolate as me and Gabs. I do think I actually get on really well with my little bro and we've got a thing called #SolSunday now where we spend the day together doing crazy things like mingolf! It's really cute and I think as he gets older we will become even closer!
Saskia And finally, let me introduce to you the youngest, and yes (as the name implies) the SASSIEST of all the siblings, Saskia! Born a year and a bit after my brother that makes all three of the younger ones pretty close in age and collectively they were known as 'The Twits' (inspired by my favourite Roald Dahl book). Perhaps it's the fact that she was the only one born in Yorkshire that has caused her to be the loudest of us all! We should have known what was to come from her as soon as she was born due to the fact that she was even too impatient to wait until she got to the hospital to make her entrance into the world...on the 24th of July she was born in the ambulance. DIVA! Sometimes her bold personality can be rude and overwhelming and my parents get super frustrated, but we can't help but love her for it! Despite all the flare, Sassy is possibly one of the most caring people I know, and since I've been struggling a bit at the moment she has always been ready to offer a hug and supporting words! I feel really bad for this because I should be the one to offer it to her. I am the older sister after all, It should be me aiding her! Especially at the moment as it seems her transition to secondary school has not been ideal. Being the only one to not pass the 11+ test she had to go to a school out of town where bullying has been an issue and we can all see her self esteem and 'sass' lowering, but I am determined to help get her back on Sass! ;) In a way she is almost a bit of an inspiration to me, she is sassy, sensitive and sure knows how to chill and that to me is what makes her 'Saskia' <3